Lesson Plan The Austere Academy by Lemony Snicket
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Molehills are mounds of earth serving as condominiums for small mammals. And they have never caused anyone any harm, except for maybe a stubbed toe if you're being pushed by a bully. Mountains, however, are very large mounds of earth and are constantly causing problems. From frostbite to border disputes, hang gliding mishaps. Which is why when we call something a mountain, we mean that it is a large amount of trouble. When Nero described the shack where the Baudelaires were living, he was not making a mountain out of a molehill. Even for a shack. He was making a molehill out of a mountain.
Our shack has dripping fungus. Their shack had misinformation. I don't mean this shack, I mean this school. Orphans shouldn't be punished for not having parents. And who ties people's hands behind their backs to eat? I know, but we have to think about the bigger picture.
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Our parents were part of something. Our guardians, too. It might be why these terrible things keep happening. We'll never find out if we're stuck here. This is a school. Let's see what we can learn. Good morning, class, including our latest orphan. My name is Mr. Remora, and today, for language arts, I will continue telling anecdotes from my own life that I find amusing.
You'll take notes, and there will be a test. Okay, one day, I think it was a Tuesday, I was in the mood for macaroni and cheese, so I said to myself, "Today, Tuesday, I think I'll have some macaroni and cheese. Indeed, it was not Good morning, children. May I have your undivided attention?
And that includes you, Daniel. I understand we have a brand new orphan today. It must be difficult for you to measure how unhappy you are without your parents, but we're gonna try. My name is Mrs. Bass, and we'll continue our lessons on the metric system by measuring various objects. Later we'll have a quiz. The first thing to measure is this jar of mayonnaise I found in my garage. Next letter.
You type like a one-year-old! Where was I? What did I do? I've seen better jumping jacks from old people! Hiding under the bleachers again, just like so many youthful days spent hatching plans and looking for cigarette butts. Were you unpopular? I know how that feels.
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I was a rebel. I bet people were jealous of your looks. Unless you were a late bloomer. I was not a late bloomer. Girls were falling all over me in school, and not just because I extended my leg when they walked by. I was a lone wolf, a mysterious stranger, a member of the drama club.
This school is obviously desperate for my return, but that advanced computer prevents us from waltzing in the front door. We need someone on the inside, a student who will help us infiltrate, if infiltrate is what I mean.
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Do you mean "to penetrate an institution surreptitiously"? What kid's gonna help us? Hey, cake-sniffer! You're as ugly as something I found in my teeth recently!
Little girl. Little girl? I'm 4' 7".
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That's a pretty broach you have. Meet me under the bleachers after school.
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That's language arts. I spent the morning writing meaningless measurements. That's math. How was work? We've been in class all day but haven't learned a thing. There has to be someone who can answer all our questions. Of course you do. See my hairnet? We've met before. You were the waiter at Lake Lachrymose. Uh, peppermints are not a recognized part of the lunch program, but I do have something to give you. All your questions will be answered as soon as I give you Wait, I'm sure it's in here somewhere.
Out of my way. I deserve a heaping portion because I'm heapingly adorable. Where is it? I don't have to. I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. Vice Principal Nero likes me best, and there's a beef and bean burrito with a ribbon on it just for me. This is my lunch that I brought from home. Explain how adorable I am! I have to look for something. Uh Macaroni and cheese and boiled wieners!
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No, thank you. I guess they were late to class. As if eating cafeteria food isn't punishing enough. Baudelaires, there's seats at my table, but I'm afraid it's a cake-sniffer-free zone. Cake-sniffing orphans in the Orphan Shack! Leave them alone. You're the cake-sniffer. Nobody in their right mind would want to eat with you. Come sit with us. You'll have to forgive Carmelita. She's so awful, Mrs. Bass is considering a life of crime.